• Joseph

when you forget about yourself, you forget about the world

There is often the misconception that a good life is the same for everyone. The most common measures seem to be net worth, fame, and position in an organisation.


So long as we tick all the boxes, we are accepted by our social circles and validated by friends, family and others.


And it works. Until it does not work anymore, at least not for everyone. And this is the whole point: how can the same type of life possibly work for everyone? Aren’t we all different? Don’t we deserve to pursue our own unique ways and develop our inner selves following who we really are?

I have been always convinced that we should be true to who we are, but for times and times over I let external factors affect how I behaved, thought, spoke and the choices I made.


And in fact, I frequently found myself not really aligned with who I really am. Every time, it eventually felt like a dead hole.


I remember a boss telling me I should have not smiled when we were doing business meetings. I remember him telling me that if I smiled too much we looked dumb and wasn’t good at all for the business. I remember forcing myself to stop smiling. I also remember the day I realised that this bullshit was slowly killing me inside.


Over the years, I realised that it does not pay off to try to hide your traits, in business and rest of life.


If you are your real you, not everyone will like you, but those who will, will choose to like the truest version of a person. Being transparent, means creating real deep relationships, even if it means being different and a weirdo. The only real limit is to not offend others.


This realization got me thinking more and more. I’ve confirmed it by observing over 200 among entrepreneurs, artists and people I met and saw the difference between those who are in line with their true selves and those who are not. They have joy for the life they live and are capable of forming fast long-lasting bonds with others based on trust and transparency.


I observed in me that the moments when I am at my best, are those when I am truly me. The world around seems to align and I am joyful and I radiate so much positive energy that impacts others around me.


I would not do justice neither to my life nor to the rest of the world if I wasn’t. Even if this means to have a fucking dumb smile on my face in business meetings.


The hard part is to be comfortable when not everyone likes (the real) you. But trust me, it’s a million times better to be an honest and true version of you and only click with few people than to be fake and try to fit with everyone.


There is nothing worse than being something else and wasting your own potential. And it has also a huge negative impact on others, as you act with dispassion and let your repressed resentments affect interpersonal interactions.


Have you heard of the ‘heat transfer (sometimes called s**t transfer)’? It’s simple: let’s say you spent your day in an office, doing things not meaningful to you, just because it seems that you should be doing that job. You are not particularly happy with the work and your manager isn’t either. You are just waiting for the clock to tick the time you can go home.


Someone urges you to do something and expects you to do it now. You don’t get why is so urgent, you don’t agree with the purpose but still finish it and send it, while they don’t even reply to your email. Someone shouts at you for something that is not your fault. It’s a small thing and you fix it as soon as possible, but that person is still so angry that gets on your nerves. This is the heat.


You are on your way home, much later than you should and you are tired, stressed about the next day and angry as after all that dick who shouted at you could have said thanks at least.


You think you just invested your day doing something not meaningful to you and you just don’t feel you can stay up any longer to work on your passion tonight. You get home and your flatmate asks if you have time to catch up on bills to be paid, you shout at her that you don’t have time and are tired while you slam the door and go to sleep. This is the heat transfer.


When instead you are true to yourself and take actions that are in line with this, your life has a totally different flavor. The joy that fills you deep inside doesn’t let any space for anger and stress. Even the long hours and uncomfortable situations are just fine. You have so much good energy that it radiates to others and just don’t care even if someone mistreats you.


I feel like this after a play a set. Bad things become so insignificant, that they don’t matter anymore. I feel disheartened when I see someone repressing who they are inside and chasing someone else’s dreams.


If you want to be a catalyst of good things for you and for those you meet on your path, you got to be yourself. And here is the thing: if you don’t do it for yourself, at least do it for the others around you, for the world.


Joseph


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Resources:

Jason Capital on the Heat Transfer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=marO8ersuMI - it explains well what is the heat transfer and how it relates to you


Gary Vee on self awareness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6tKf1IR5j8 - well articulated short collection of clips on being self aware


bebaduntilyouaregood post by Joseph on believe system that makes your reality

https://www.bebaduntilyouaregood.com/blog/what-you-tell-yourself-is-what-creates-your-reality



Challenge:

  1. Think about times when you are at your best. Think about your why (more here)

  2. Understand and write down what are the characteristics that make ‘you’, you. How would you like to interact with others? What does ‘you’ do every day to fulfil their own potential? How does ‘you’ respond to bad events?

  3. Now next time you have a decision to make and you feel the pressure of conforming to external pressure (real or just in your head), notice if there is anything or anyone forcing you to divert from ‘you’

  4. Once you start noticing, your task is now to flip the script by taking the decision that is more in line with you

  5. If it feels appropriate, feel free to explain that that thing is just you / not you (depending on the case)

  6. Observe how most of the times people will respect this even when they don’t like it. Observe also how many others will not get it, reject it, try to force something else on you. Say thanks for the suggestions and move on your way anyway

  7. Keep doing this and with time, ‘you’ will be so powerful that will constantly decide its own path, while being a catalyst of good for anyone around them

And things to remember…

⁃ “The biggest journey in all of our lives is the journey from external to internal validation.” – quote from Chris Sacca

⁃ it takes time to understand who you are, let alone to be able to stay true to that consistently

⁃ Allow yourself a shot at trying it. It won’t be perfect overnight and it’s ok to be bad until you are good


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